What It Feels Like to Lose You

Posted by on Feb 15, 2017 in Blog, Grieving, Loss

 

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Loss doesn’t just fade. It doesn’t vanish. It doesn’t leave us. It sits beside us, day after day, year after year. Often a different color or shade, but still there. Still present. Sometimes it shouts so loud it’s all you can hear, and other times it’s a steady hum in the background. A vibration, constant and tugging at your skin. A weight, heavy on your chest. You try to take a breath, but it’s never as deep as you need it to be.

I’ve tried to ease back into my life, but it seems every time the phone rings my body jolts. Who is it? What’s wrong? Is everything OK? That’s part of the anxiety that sometimes comes with tragedy.

Loss isn’t past tense; it’s always present. Always with us. Always with me.

When you died, I came face to face with mortality. The ugly reality of life. Something I always knew but never wanted to see. I’ve experienced the deaths of friends and acquaintances. No loss, no ache, nothing at all could prepare my heart for losing you. I have traveled through it all. I felt nothing makes sense. Still nothing jolted me, halted me, stopped me in my tracks, like losing you.

When you were younger, I would watch you and wonder what you would be like when you were older. Curious about the man you would become and how our relationship would evolve over time. The natural escalation from sister and brother to friends. I looked forward to giving you advice and standing beside you through the obstacles of life. I wanted to shield you from the pains I carried with me and help you forge a path that was undeniably you. I wanted to stay up late and talk to you about the world. I wanted to create with you. I wanted to explore with you. I wanted to ask you what it was like to be the baby boy with three sisters. I wanted to watch you laugh out your response with the wit and humor that followed you everywhere you went.

Some of those wants, I got to experience to a small degree. I got to have a brief taste of a life, of a future, before it was ripped away. Before you were gone. Now as you pass in and out of my mind I am reminded of the moments we never got. Of the dreams we never saw realized. You would be 23 today, going on 24. The whole world before you at 13, and in an instant, it was all gone.

You would be an uncle now, and I know you’d love being an uncle. I can picture you teaching the kids to skateboard and ride bikes. Chasing them around the yard until everyone is tired. Some days when I look at my daughter, my heart aches thinking about how she will never know you. Never experience you. You will only live on in memories. We will not celebrate future victories and achievements. We are destined to carry on and rehash the same moments over and over in hopes of keeping you with us. If only we could’ve really kept you here with us.

There’s so much we never got to. And life it just sort of moves in slow motion around me. I catch myself wondering if you would be proud of me. What you would say to me if you were still here? And I wait, anticipating a response that will never come.

Life moves forward, and so many people have been impacted by losing you. Life has slowed down around us as the world spins at full speed. We have made choices and walked down roads that have paved a future that appears uncertain. We have gotten stuck and caught up in sadness. Living, but knowing full well we will never find healing. Nor do we really want to because that might mean losing all we have left of you. So we cling to whatever we can. Just to keep you here with us. Here and not here at the same time.

I have watched the world collapse around me and I’ve felt the rumbles of grief’s earthquake and seemingly unending aftershocks. A smell, a story, a sunset, all a vision of you. I have raged and I have crumbled. Every day a strange mix of anger, sadness and disbelief. I have lied in bed and I have dug myself out of ditches, just to fall back in again and again. I have destroyed friendships and I have forged new ones. I’ve been continuously surprised by the heart’s uncanny ability to open its doors and allow more to pass through, when it seems impossible to feel anything again.

I have said things I regret in my anger, and I have watched my family fall apart and pull back together time and again. I have lived through holidays and birthdays and all the days it felt I couldn’t go on. I am still finding my footing. Still finding my road. My place. And with each step, I remember you. I cherish you. And I long for you.

I don’t think we ever recover from our grief. I think  we learn to live, broken and battered. A piece of us forever missing. That’s just what it feels like to lose you.

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Christmas Grief

Posted by on Dec 21, 2016 in Blog, Grieving

“Tomorrow I plan to spend time with my family; how can I ever cope?”
This statement is from a young widow with two children whose husband had died early spring. As the family gathered that year, sets of parents, several aunts and uncles, and her children would be present. For her and the entire family this would be a challenging and difficult day. Perhaps you will find yourself in somewhat of a similar situation and you wonder “How can I experience joy when my loved one is no longer here?” Here are some suggestions I have listened to over the years.


First and most important, do not pretend there is nothing wrong. Don’t ignore your grief. Some family members will not want to talk about your deceased loved one, but everyone will be aware of the death. Second, suggest that at some point during the day everyone share some fond memory or memories of the loved one. (Sometimes, if emotions are too tough, these thoughts can be written down and read by someone else.) Third, I don’t know if you have heard of the “empty chair.” Sometimes at the family dinner table an empty chair can be placed in memory of the loved one. This provides a very good time to share some fond memories of meals past or funny incidents of your loved one. Fourth, depending upon your faith journey, and if you are accustomed to a blessing at meals, this would be a memorable time to share of your loved one’s impact on different family members. Fifth, you can encourage not only children, but every one present to make some form of tree decoration as a reminder of Christmas’s past. These decorations can be then hung every year as a new tradition. Finally, it is important to outwardly express love, appreciation or special memories of your loved one. Keep in mind that next year everything will be a little bit easier, the pain will not be as great and you will have experienced personal growth through your journey of grief. – Fran Welch©


“I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.” (Psalm 34:4)

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Coping With Anniversary Grief

Posted by on Sep 5, 2016 in Blog, Grieving

Tips for Coping with Anniversary Reactions in Grief

 by Marty Tousley

A reader writes: My brother and I were like twins growing up: 14 months apart and inseparable. When I was 25 and he was 26, he died of cancer. At the time, I didn’t grieve hardly at all, as I was raised not to talk about intense feelings much. So…I put a lot of these painful feelings away, and didn’t realize until this past year, when I was going through other stresses, that there was even something called delayed grief. The pain has been overwhelming. I am going through counseling with a really good therapist who is helping, but I am dreading my brother’s death anniversary date that is coming up next month. It is always an extremely difficult month for me. I am especially dreading it this year. I had been doing better lately but the past two days I started crying just thinking about my brother. I miss him so much. He was my best friend in the world and no one can ever replace him. On top of everything else, I have guilt feelings that I didn’t do enough to help him get diagnosed earlier. It has been so many years since he died but it feels like just yesterday.

My response: As you have discovered, delayed grief is very real, but once recognized and with support, it can be understood, worked through and managed – so I’m glad to know that you are working with “a really good therapist who is helping” as you come to terms with your brother’s death. I’m sure your therapist will have some suggestions for you as the anniversary date of this death approaches, but for now I’d like to offer the following, taken from my book, Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year. (Note that, although this passage addresses what can happen in the first year of grief, these reactions can occur at any time following a significant loss – even years after the death.)

Setbacks, Aftershocks and the Recurrence of Grief

Setbacks are the unexpected but inevitable frustrations and disappointments you’ll encounter in your efforts to rebuild following your loss. They can affect you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. They include statements from family members or friends which, intentionally or not, discourage your efforts. They can be your own internal thoughts, feelings and attitudes which have inhibited and debilitated you in the past: rigidity, closed mindedness, self-doubt, bitterness, anger, disappointment, and the temptation to quit. Or they can be external roadblocks stemming from natural occurrences or from bureaucratic rules and regulations you’ll encounter along the way.

Aftershocks or “grief bursts” happen when some of the “down” feelings you’ve already experienced in grief come at you again several months after the death, or even after a year or more. Sometimes something acts as a trigger and catches you by surprise: a song, a place, a movie or a season, and it’s as if you’re confronted with the death for the first time, all over again. Painful emotions crash in on you, and it feels as if you’re starting the entire grief process anew.

Recurrence of grief is common and normal, but disturbing nonetheless. Although the strong feelings of grief are not continuous, they can return at any time, whenever you are reminded of your loss. They may be especially apparent toward the end of your first year, as you approach the anniversary date of your loved one’s death.

As this special date draws near, you may find yourself preoccupied with thoughts of your loved one’s diagnosis, treatment and care, remembering your experience of facing a terminal illness together. You may be frightened and confused, all this time expecting that your grief would have been resolved by now and finding instead that if anything your pain has intensified.

Rest assured that what you’re feeling is normal and to be expected. You are not losing ground; the progress you’ve made is real. Getting past this anniversary is but another significant step in finding your way through grief. At this point it is only natural to look back and reflect on what used to be before you can let go of it, move on through your grief, and embrace whatever your life is going to be in the future.

Some mourners make the mistake of measuring the depth of their love by the depth of their pain. They convince themselves that letting go of the pain of loss is the same as letting go of (and forgetting) their loved one. Letting go of what used to be is not an act of disloyalty, and it does not mean forgetting your lost loved one. You will never forget, because a part of the one who died remains in you. There are many things you can do to ensure that your loved one will be remembered, and to give testimony to your continuing relationship with that person. Letting go means leaving behind the sorrow and pain of grief and choosing to go on, taking with you only those memories and experiences that enhance your ability to grow and expand your capacity for happiness.

Suggestions for coping with setbacks, aftershocks, and the recurrence of grief:

  • Accept that setbacks are a reality of life over which you have no control. Remember that, although you cannot choose what life has to offer, you can always choose how to respond. The attitudes you bring to life’s circumstances are always within your control. You can choose to give up and give in, or you can choose to take charge of your life and keep moving forward. 
  • Know that aftershocks of grief are normal, and they will pass more quickly each time you experience them. They can be controlled somewhat by controlling the reminders of your loss, either by disposing of them or deliberately seeking them out. Maintain a balance between what you hold onto and what you let go of. Keep what’s special or of sentimental value and when you’re ready, discard the rest.
  • Handle your memories with care. If they are painful and unpleasant, they can be hurtful and destructive. If they create longing and hold you to the past, they can interfere with your willingness to move on. You can choose which parts of life you shared that you wish to keep and which parts you want to leave behind.
  • Soothe your pain by thinking of happy as well as sad memories. The happiness you experienced with your loved one belongs to you forever. Hold onto those rich memories, and give thanks for the life of the person you’ve lost instead of brooding over the last days.
  • Build a memory time into the day, or pack an entire day with meaning. It’s easier to cope with memories you’ve chosen than to have them take you by surprise. Immerse yourself in the healing power of remembrance. Go to a special place, read aloud, listen to a favorite song. Celebrate what once was and is no more.
  • Know that oftentimes the anticipation of an anniversary date is worse than the actual day.
  • Identify those days, events and seasons that are likely to intensify and rekindle your pain, and build comfort and healing into them. Plan what you’re going to do ahead of time, even if you plan to be alone. Don’t set yourself up for a bad day.
  • Let your friends and relatives know in advance which days and events are significant for you. Verbalize your needs and include them in your plans. They may be very willing to help, but need for you to tell them how.

  • If you’re feeling anxious, confused or immobilized as a certain date or time approaches, get the reassurance you need by returning to your support group or speaking with your bereavement counselor.
  • As this first year draws to a close, plan a memorial ritual. Draw on those familiar, comforting ceremonies and activities unique to your religion, culture, traditions, family or way of life. Use this ritual as your rite of passage through grieving to healing, to mark a shift in the way you mourn, or as an official end to this first year of mourning.
  • Understand that you’re never really finished with loss when someone significant leaves you. This loss will resurface during key developmental periods for the rest of your life. You will have to face it again and again, not as the person you are today, but as the person you will have grown to be in two or five or twenty years from now. Each time you will face it on new terms, but it won’t take as long and it won’t be as difficult. 
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Schedule for Helping the Bereaved

Posted by on Aug 22, 2016 in Blog, Comfort, Grieving

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Timeline suggestions for practical things to do to help grievers;

Every circumstance is different when people experience loss. Each individual grieves differently. Some people spread their mourning process out over a long period of time while others seem to be very concerted in their grief. Generally speaking, there seems to be similar patterns in the process that can help us understand what to do at different times to be helpful.

The following schedule is the one I tended to follow during my grieving process for both my wives. In no way am I implying everyone should follow this exact pattern, but my journey can serve as a working example of loss.

AT DEATH

The day each of my wives died I was fortunate to have friends or family present. I can’t imagine not having them there. My wives’ deaths left me so numb that I could not even think straight for a while. Having someone there, even if they said nothing, helped me function. They took care of the daily logistics of physical things like meals, cleaning, and decisions that needed immediate attention.

Don’t wait or even expect someone to ask for your help at the death of their loved one. They may not be able to even make that simple of a decision. Seek out ways to help by visiting or calling.

THE FIRST WEEK

This time period gets foggy for many grievers. The possible decisions required can be overwhelming. Everything from finding a funeral home to choosing a casket to planning and executing a funeral become monumental things to deal with — and that on top of grief. This week can be very stressful for the individual as well as the family. Even the best of families can have conflict over some of the details that are required at this time. Many of these things are often handled by the family members nearby, but sometimes that is not the case.

Making yourself available to help with the planning for the events of this week can be a first step. Because grievers often have trouble thinking clearly, gentle suggestions as to things that need to be handled and an offer to help can be in order. The little details such as transporting flowers from the memorial service to the cemetery can be on your list of offers to help. Meals for the bereaved and their guests are often a huge blessing during this week. If there is a funeral or memorial service, make every effort to be there. A phone call every couple of days is often appreciated to remind the bereaved that they are not alone in their pain.

THREE WEEKS

Phone calls, sympathy cards and references to my wives took a noticeable decline at about the third week. It seemed like someone made a public announcement and the whole world said, “That’s it. We will forget her now.”

For me, however, the opposite was happening. The numbness had subsided enough that the reality of her absence was finally reaching my foggy brain. I was permanently alone again now. My need to talk about the whole event increased instead of reduced. My deep emotional sobbing sessions had gone from three times a day to one or two. My mind needed to process what my emotions had seemingly been responding to. I needed to talk about her death more than ever. I remember thinking that I would have given anything to have someone ask me, “How did your wife die? Tell me about it.”

Many people would ask me, “How are you doing?” I would answer, “Fine.” However, the ones that helped me the most would be more specific with, “How has this week been?” or “Tell me where you are in your journey or recovery process.”

I remember being stricken with the fear that everyone would forget her. I was clinging to memories of her, but it seemed everyone else was forgetting. So, I did things to ensure a recorded legacy for each of my wives. For Ruth, I wrote an article for a Christian magazine about her life and got it published. For Judith, I asked my two daughters to each put together a photo book about her. One was a legacy book with pictures and information about her family. All eight of my kids’ families were given a copy. The other was a “grandma” book of pictures of Judith and each of the grandkids, one kid per page. Each grandchild received a copy for Christmas that year.

A face-to-face, or at least a phone call, with the intent to talk a couple of hours about the loved one’s death and the grieving process experienced by the bereaved should be offered. Avoid general statements when arranging this. Be specific with, “I would like to hear the details of how you are processing your pain and your recovery.”

THREE MONTHS

Three months from my wives’ deaths the grieving process seemed to release its grip on my emotions. I began to laugh again. I found myself more at ease in public alone. My sobbing sessions had subsided to one every other day. Still, from time to time I had to audibly tell myself that she really did die. The truth continued to sink in. However, I still hurt and felt like I had this visible “hole in my soul” as I lived life. I craved communication, intimacy with an adult, someone to talk to about my feelings. At this point, logic statements began to help more than just the heart comments that I needed before.

Long talks about my grieving process were harder to come by as most of my friends were expecting me to be “getting over it” by now. Finding someone who understood and would not “think ill” of me became harder to do. I set out to relieve this need by talking to other men who had lost a wife in recent years. That helped.

Your relationship with a bereaved friend may not be close enough for you to have conversations about “how are you feeling these days?” However, you could encourage them to have such a conversation with someone they know who would listen. Talking through one’s process and progress can be a big step for them to realize and embrace the steps they have taken towards healing.

A card of encouragement to a bereaved person can assure them that you have not forgotten their pain and are supporting them in their progress towards victory. It can be an aid in helping them cope with their loneliness as well.

SIX MONTHS

I thought I was going crazy. It had been six months since my wife’s death and many days I still felt as hollow and uncertain emotionally as I did the first month after she left. What is wrong with me? I mused. Everyone thinks I am doing so well outwardly, but I still feel like something is missing on the inside.

For me, the six month stage was kind of like the “teenage years” in my mourning process. I didn’t feel quite like I was out of the woods (i.e. an adult) but I had progressed past the seemingly out-of-control emotional times (i.e. childhood) I experienced for so many months. My sobbing sessions were measured by the week instead of per day, and my interest in my future had increased.

At this stage I still had the need to talk to people who would be comfortable with me sharing deep feelings and with people who had been there, done that. One man I had such a talk with told me later that it was a bit uncomfortable for him, but it sure helped me. Another one stopped listening to me after a few minutes. So it obviously takes a special person to fill this bill.

Though I realized both my mental and emotional states were nearing a more victorious place of healing, “relapses” back to the ache stage were common. Assurances that my time in this “in-between” stage of the grieving process was normal would have been great comfort. If someone close to me had “given permission” for me to address the ache that came back periodically, I believe I would have been relieved of some guilt.

During my grieving experiences with my wives at this six-month time period, people “told” me that I was very vulnerable emotionally. My response was bewilderment and even anger. I don’t feel emotionally vulnerable, I thought. And besides, how do they know how I am emotionally? They haven’t even talked to me about it.

Caring words of caution from a trusted friend would have been more effective than a casual acquaintance making a judgment from a distance. It’s important to honestly assess one’s level of relationship with the griever.

The truth is that I really was still emotionally vulnerable. I am thankful to God that I did not make any emotional decisions that I would have regretted later. I would not see that truth for another three months. At the nine-month period, when I looked back at how I was feeling in comparison, I realized that my emotional state had improved and I felt “more like myself.” The possible decisions I could have made during the most tumultuous grieving, both socially and in my career, would not have lined up with my lifetime personal core values.

NINE MONTHS

Much counsel has been given in our culture to not make any major decisions for twelve months following losing a spouse. In many ways, I see the wisdom for that. It provides opportunity to go through one cycle of life dealing with all the “firsts” after losing a mate. For the griever, time is your friend. In the case for both my wives’ deaths, I had grieved in a very concerted fashion. I had “leaned into” my pain and embraced grieving willingly. Not everyone does that, I guess.

For me, the ninth month of grieving was a turning point. I finally felt very secure socially. I felt like my emotions were more “normal.” Remembering my wives did not cause pain or emptiness. I even enjoyed it when friends teased me about finding another wife sometime. I considered re-marriage more seriously.

This stage varies with people, for sure. I have known of some men who were at this point after six months of grieving, while some women I have met have admitted it wasn’t until the eighteen-month time frame that they were open to give their hearts away again in romance.

BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, HOLIDAYS

Among the important “firsts” grievers go through are the first holidays. For some these times can be nearly as difficult to experience as the day the loved one died. Cards, phone calls and even invitations to do something special can be put on your schedule on behalf of the bereaved person.

The first Christmas after Ruth died my family and I appreciated an invitation by a friend to spend the potentially difficult holiday in a location we had never been to before. The first Christmas after Judith died I responded to an invitation to attend a community-wide potluck dinner and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

   Remembering wedding and death anniversaries with a card, phone call or visit can help the bereaved cope with the day because someone besides them remembered. They feel less lonely due to the fact you shared it with them. Even responding in some way at the deceased’s birthday can have the same effect.

TWELVE MONTHS

The one-year mark for grievers tends to carry an uncertainty with it. How will they feel the day of the anniversary of their loved one’s death? Will anyone else remember? What should they do that day to commemorate their loved one, if anything? You can come alongside to help with many of these questions.

Be mindful of the possibility that the anniversary can be a significant event for years to come. Many, not only rehearse about the one that they lost, but also the grief associated with that loss.

A phone call or card showing you remember your friend and their loved one will go a long way in bringing comfort. If possible, you can also do something physical with them. Take them out for coffee or dinner and talk about the life of the deceased. Going with them to visit the cemetery and bringing flowers in memory of their loved one will help establish a bit more closure and peace to the bereaved.

I have known of a few good friends and close relatives who have taken the effort to put some of the above suggestions on their yearly calendar and actually follow through with them. Believe me, if you don’t make yourself a note in some way you will most likely forget.

 

 

« Point to Ponder »

Knowing the right thing to say is only half of the responsibility of being a supportive emotional care giver. The other half revolves around the doing.

 

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A Grief Reflection

Posted by on Aug 17, 2016 in Blog, Grieving

Making a difference in your world by being a better friend; Grief time work

Grief is indeed a difficult subject to face. For most of us it does not attract our attention as a topic that we naturally wish to be an expert on. Yet, coping with loss qualifies as a natural part of life. Because you have read this book, you are ahead of many of your peers and relatives in your ability to deal with grieving.
Knowing what to say, or not say, often comes through a better understanding of the grieving process. Such understanding does not always have to be obtained through personal experience. We can benefit from that of others willing to be honest about their feelings and journey following a loss.
Hopefully the experiences and observations collected in this book have increased your awareness of the grieving process. You are now more skillfully equipped to be a better friend to those around you who experience loss. Most of us will encounter at least one person within the next year who will be called on to process some sort of loss. It may even be you.
IN REVIEW
Comments of comfort should not be geared to “fix” the problem of grief for the bereaved. Commonly, too many who have not dealt with the mourning process will attempt to avoid it when faced with the grief of others. Grief cannot be fixed, it needs to be processed. So, the first thing we can do is to acknowledge the pain instead of trying to make it go away fast.
Grief is the acknowledgement of loss emotionally. It is mostly a heart problem, not a mind challenge. Heart statements go farther in comforting the bereaved than head statements early on. Logically explaining away grief does little in soothing the hurt in the heart. Mind logic can play a part in long-term processing of loss but it comes up short when the most encompassing pain at the moment is emotional.
Mourners are sensitive to unsupportive comments that seem to minimize their grief. Grieving comes from deep within us. Denying it or diminishing it can be perceived as a personal criticism. Such implications may cause guilt and withdrawal on the part of the grieving and be a hindrance to their ability to process their loss victoriously. Allowing them to grieve will uphold them better.
Avoiding grievers socially, or avoiding the topic of their loss, stifles their grieving process. Grief can become the proverbial “elephant in the room” with grievers. They feel it even more than their friends. Excluding them from social events and conversations only accentuates their pain. Avoidance does not soften the pain for them. To eliminate the topic of their grieving experience and the one they have lost is to ignore the most important thing that is happening in their life. Good friends don’t do that.
Avoid time limits. Setting a time limit on how and how long any one person is allowed to grieve over a particular loss can be demeaning to the griever. They can feel like you are being disrespectful towards their loss or loved one. Be aware of timing in words of comfort. You need to be discerning in knowing when to make certain comments to a griever. Being a better friend revolves around listening and supporting their journey, instead of limiting it.
The grieving are not looking for logic statements of being told what to do. What they need is a listening ear. No one likes to be “bossed” around under the best of circumstances. To “command” a person who is grieving in an attempt to “talk them out of it” may only drive them away from you as a person with no effective help to their pain. Instructive statements must be well-timed and presented in the form of suggestions or examples. Grievers need to be heard more than directed.
Theological lectures are seldom of much relief for the pain of new grief. Theological arguments at the time of loss can be misconstrued as a rebuke. This can come across as rejection and not a form of comfort. Religious beliefs are often embraced in the mind through the logic door. Emotional pain is seldom soothed deeply through that avenue. Again, timing can be very important if this topic needs to be addressed.
Consolation for the bereaved needs to be more about their personal pain than about the one they have lost. The temptation is very strong to talk more about the person or item lost, than about the needs of the griever. The deepest problem is the emotional pain inside. Logical statements about the person or items lost can be of help. However, if we ignore the heartache being experienced, we will not help our friend to work through their journey as effectively.
Comments that might be interpreted as a judgmental attitude are of no comfort to the bereaved. No one likes to be told they are wrong or at fault for the loss. The bereaved commonly cope with forms of guilt in the normal flow of the process. It is no help to add blame to their pain. They are at a very vulnerable time in their lives and your words must be chosen carefully.
It is common for the supporting friend to feel a certain amount of discomfort but this shouldn’t be a hindrance. Remember that your words of comfort need to revolve around the feelings of the bereaved. Many of the “What Not to Say” comments were blurted out by would-be comforters uneasy with their own feelings. It’s helpful to stay away from statements that begin with, “I always say” and “you should just” to grievers. Keep your attention on the emotional state of your friend.
Recognizing the griever’s present pain has more value than attempts to empathize by comparing to your past losses. The tendency to “one up” on a griever in an effort to sympathize with them usually results in a comparison game that can diminish the pain of the griever. Also, since each person grieves differently, it is not usually beneficial to make comparisons but simply to seek understanding of the mourner’s experience.
Knowing the right thing to say is only half of the responsibility of being a supportive emotional caregiver. The other half revolves around the doing. I am truly grateful to the people in my life who not only knew what to say but followed through with the supportive action. Many of my friends and family were active the day and weeks following the death of each of my wives. Others called me months later asking to go for a walk and talk, or go out to eat. My family openly talked with each other and me about their mom’s memories and how much they missed her. I was asked often by acquaintances to speak publicly about my grieving journey.
THE REST OF THE STORY
Life goes on. Mine has indeed progressed in fine style. The evidence that I have “practiced what I preach” about the mourning process becomes apparent with the developments in my life beyond my grieving period. I am living proof that the suggestions you have read in this book work and have merit.
I documented the points of progress in the grieving and healing process by writing a “progress report” to my children. This public diary served as a teaching tool for the family on grief and a victory record for me.
The following year after Judith’s death, after much re-definition of who I am, my emotions and focus in life began to settle to a new level. My vision to write this book was established. I received a refreshed job description in my career work. I moved out of the house where Judith died. With help from one of my daughters, I established a profile on Christian Mingle.
Each of the new, solid developments in my life was possible because my emotions had been given clear and ample time to grieve fully by my “leaning into” the process and having those around me who gave me permission to do so with their support.
Many of these changes have given me a new, full and purposeful life. First of all, I met Crystal Wacker. What a lady! She has entered my life with love and wit that brightens every day. Our marriage has completed my life at a whole new level. Her support for me in life’s challenges and accomplishments has been invaluable. In addition to her continued work as editor of Reach Up Magazine, she helps me in my writing and speaking engagements.

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Grieving and World View

Posted by on Jul 29, 2016 in Blog, Comfort, Grieving

13173874_10209184837609204_6152588449008940622_nHow I found strength and wisdom to survive loss and do it well:

    “I don’t know how you do it. You have lost two wives and you seem to be doing so well,” came the familiar statements. Following Judith’s death many people made similar comments to me. Some remarks came as simple observations while other people were genuinely seeking answers.

In this chapter I will be taking the liberty to lay out the thinking process and worldview I have developed in the course of my life and freely explain how that all affected my grieving process. My family background, personal experiences, logic, religious beliefs and the message of the Bible all come into play to determine how I approached and responded to tragedy. It has been my observation that most people default to these things when they hurt.

My earnest prayer is that the truths laid out will be a help to you as you face your own losses, and as you help those who come across your path who are hurting from loss.

THE BIBLE

It was a blessing from God and huge privilege to be born into a strong family who had a deep belief in God based on His Word, the Bible. I didn’t do anything special to be born where I was. However, the mindset, beliefs and teachings of my family and church were fundamental in establishing my worldview of life and death. The family heritage I acquired held to an established belief in the God of the Bible that went back several generations on both sides of my family. I not only heard the message of the Bible from my parents but from my grandparents and aunts and uncles as well.

CHOICES

So, if family and the geographical location in which one is born are vital in how one processes grief, why is it that not everyone who has these benefits processes grief well? Because included in the mix are the personal choices of each individual. Simply being exposed to a belief system, whether through family or by culture, is only the beginning. Your personal choices and convictions are what activate those teachings and messages.

THE NEED

The core truth of the Bible that my mom taught me revolved around God creating man to have a close relationship with Him. As the Creator of the universe, God chose to only have this personal relationship with mankind. Since God represents and is everything just and good, a relationship with Him had to revolve around what He is like. The first man created, Adam, broke that bond by doing something contrary to God. He disobeyed a command, consequently breaking the created relationship between God and mankind. Since He is everything just and good, God set forth a plan to fix the broken relationship. He promised this plan and then executed it by sending Jesus, His Son, to live a perfect life among men and women and then die, making the restoration of that relationship with God the Father possible. He decided it would be a gift to be received by faith. Anyone who rejected God’s plan through Jesus would spend eternity after they died separated from God.

My mom showed me places in the Bible that clearly explained this. Thankfully, she also made it clear that I was required to make a choice about God’s gift through Jesus for myself. She pointed out that my core relationship with God wasn’t broken just because I was a bad boy once in a while, but that I needed to respond to God’s message because I was born needing it. She read to me from the Bible, “Therefore, as through one man’s offense judgment came to all men, resulting in condemnation…” (Romans 5.18). Adam’s “offense” was passed on to every human born thereafter, making a personal response by each individual a requirement. Not believing in God’s plan for restoration seals the judgment. “He who believes in Him [Jesus] is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God” (John 3.18).

THE PROVISION

As a child, I enjoyed Christmas as much as any other kid. We were humble economically and I remember times when there was only a single gift for each of us. However, Mom and my church teamed up to help me see a bigger picture. Christmas was the celebration of the coming of Jesus to earth in order to accomplish God’s plan to restore mankind to a right relationship with Him. I enjoyed hearing the stories of Jesus’ life in my Sunday school classes at church. They explained that the purpose for Jesus becoming a man was for Him to die for the wrongs things performed by all mankind. “… that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, and that He was buried, and that He rose again the third day according to the Scriptures, and that He was seen of Cephas, then by the twelve” (1 Corinthians 15.3-5). We can know that God, in turn, accepted the work of Jesus’ death as payment for all our violations of God’s nature because He raised Him from the dead. “… God … promised before through His prophets in the Holy Scriptures, concerning His Son Jesus Christ our Lord, … and declared to be the Son of God with power according to the Spirit of holiness, by the resurrection from the dead” (Romans 1.1-4).

MY FIRST RESPONSE

My mom read the Bible to my brother and me every night she could before we went to bed. When I was seven years old, she told us one night that the Billy Graham Crusade was on TV and that if we were good while she read the Bible we could stay up a little longer and listen to the music part. Well, I wasn’t so good and was sent to bed. While my brother watched the music, I was in bed alone, thinking. Mom came in and found me crying. “I don’t want to go to hell when I die,” I blurted out through my tears. Mom reviewed again that all I needed to do was believe on Jesus for myself and God would restore my relationship with Him and that Jesus’ death and resurrection would pay for all my wrongs against Him. I did that. I knew from that time on that upon my physical death, I would spend all of eternity in the presence of God the Father. I would go to heaven.

THE EVIL

The problem with the evil in my heart had been resolved before God, to be sure. It didn’t mean that I didn’t still blow it from time to time. Mom knew that for sure! However, she was faithful to continue to expand my knowledge about evil in the world we live in. She told me the story about Satan and how he rebelled against God. He was then confined to earth and now takes his vengeance out against God on mankind. He uses evil to resist God and God’s people. Teachers at church taught me that because I was one of God’s children, Satan would target me for harm and evil intentions. However, I don’t have to be defeated by him but be aware that sometimes when bad things happen it may be coming from him. I can win over his intentions with Jesus. “You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world” (I John 4.4). “Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you” (James 4.7,8).

My instruction about evil continued. Because of Satan’s rebellion against God and the disobedience of Adam to God’s commands, evil has a strong influence on the earth and the world as we know it. This evil curse affects all of God’s creation, including mankind. The negative things caused by evil include such things as weeds in my garden, weather that is destructive, immorality, murders, mistreatment of people, bad intentions and responses to one another, and disease. Until the day Jesus returns and corrects all of that, we can expect evil to continue. Evil, therefore, can happen to us simply because we are humans living in this world at this time. Bad things can happen to good people for no fault of their own.

MY EXAMPLE

My seven-year-old mind had a lot of questions about what it is really like to live one’s life and have a personal relationship with God. This is where my family and church friends came in again. I watched how they did it. The two people closest to me who demonstrated evidences of having a personal relationship with Jesus were my mom and her mother, my grandmother. Regardless of any character or personality flaws in them that I may have observed over the years as I grew up, those ladies proved to me that it was possible for Jesus to be a personal friend. When they talked about Jesus, I could tell He was not an abstract concept or a theory of religion. He was a real person to whom they talked and listened often.

My mom’s connection to God was consistent. She would go to Him during times of hurt, such as when my dad died or we had severe financial difficulties. She would sing to Him when she was happy in good times. Her example showed me that I could do that too. And I did.

MORE CHOICES

My high school years were times of change for our family. Mom remarried and three more sisters were added to our family. The family blending process was not always an easy one for me, being the oldest child. We also moved, I went through puberty, and attended a high school in another town. I chose to remain consistent in following the Biblical mindset of God as the sovereign of the universe and Lord of my life through all these changes. Church was a core part of my life. I enjoyed hearing teaching from the Bible, singing songs and hymns about God, following Him, and looking forward to being with Him in heaven someday.

The summer between my junior and senior year presented me with another life-changing choice. I had been offered a scholarship to a leading agricultural university in Iowa. I knew I needed to pray about it, so after church one evening I stopped at a pasture near our farm buildings where I prayed often. God spoke back to me saying, “Follow Me.” He indicated that I was to prepare to officially be in a position to do things that would promote His message in the world. I said, “Yes.” The following week I received a catalog in the mail from a Bible college in Kansas City, Missouri. I chose to turn down the scholarship and applied to the Bible college instead. I knew that my life was being directed personally by God and I trusted Him.

My choices were made based on my friendship with Christ. I believed what He said in the Bible. “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. You are My friends if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you” (John 15.13-15).

FAITH CHALLENGED

My years studying at the Bible college were very formidable. As I increased in knowing what the Bible says and what it means, I developed a desire to know my Friend better. Trusting Jesus more and walking by faith became major personal goals. I aspired to the definition of faith in God that the Apostle Paul spoke about. “First, I thank my God through Jesus Christ for you all, that your faith is spoken of throughout the whole world” (Romans 1.8).

Soon, I began to realize that to “walk by faith” included more than just major choices. It involved how I went about my day-to-day living. Simple statements began having a deep impact on my approach to daily living. A quote of unknown origin I have never forgotten is, “If you were arrested for being a follower of Jesus, would there be enough evidence to convict you?” Jesus said, “And why do you call me, Lord, Lord, and not do the things which I say?” (Luke 6.46)

Based on my personal relationship with Jesus, faith and faithfulness became daily goals in my life. Though much of my daily life was laid out for me — class and work schedules, job responsibilities, class requirements and sleeping — I began to realize that I chose much of how I lived my life. I chose my responses to situations, my attitude towards people and circumstances; I chose how I spent my money, what social functions I attended and how well I used my discretionary time during waking hours. I began to see that my proper or improper response to errors and mistakes I made was based on whether I was responding out of faith in God or my selfish desires. Even though my learning curve seemed huge, I willingly climbed it towards a closer relationship with God.

LIFE GOES ON

Following my college years, life progressed somewhat “normally” (whatever that is). I got married, received a job assignment, had children, developed friendships, increased in responsibility both at work and home, and so on. My wife, Ruth, and I were on a “normal” course in life, building a career and raising a family of four. We practiced the lessons learned in trusting God and living in close relationship with Him in all areas of our life as best we could. We trusted Him in our finances, parenting, free time, friendships, job roles and church attendance. He was always faithful. We took to heart, “… whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God” (1 Corinthians 10.31).

My reference to life being “normal” includes ups and downs in life that happen to all of us. It includes mistakes by each of us in our family. Disappointments that come financially, professionally and socially are all integral to our human experience.

IN CRISIS

Cancer is not what is usually considered normal. I have heard it said that “anyone can trust God when things are going good.” But do we really trust Him when it doesn’t seem like we need Him that much?

We had no clue to what depths the downward spiral would lead us when Ruth announced that she had found a lump and should make an appointment with an oncologist. The following weeks and months were full of challenges, hurts, disappointments and even low-level mourning.

The lump was an aggressive form of cancer. Treatments included surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation and constant testing.

Yet, our hope continued to be secure, based on our relationship with God. Though we desired the security of pain-free life, we trusted Him more. Believing that pain was a part of human experience and that we were not exempt from it helped us overcome the bouts of “why me?” and unfounded feelings of “being punished.”

Our friend Jesus never left us during our down times. We knew that because He said so. “For He Himself has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ So we may boldly say: The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” (Hebrews 13.5,6).

It was true that going through a crisis like cancer was a new thing for us. We had never experienced such a hard thing before. However, trusting Jesus in our lives was nothing new and so we kept doing that. We simply needed to learn how to go through this hard thing. Our pain and tears were always met with the comfort of our personal relationship with Jesus Himself.

THE REALIZATION

Trusting God during our hard times did not keep us from sometimes struggling with our questions.

One afternoon following severe chemotherapy treatments, Ruth was on the phone with her mother. Ruth asked the “Why me?” question to her mom. Louise’s response was classic. “Well, Ruthie, why not you? Up to now your life has been pretty simple and pain free. Why do you think you should be exempt from hard situations and others not?” This, of course, agreed with what Jesus Himself said, “In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world” (John 16.33).

Ruth was a nurse. She had seen many, many people in the hospitals she worked in going through all kinds of physical pain and sufferings. She knew that her mom was right about many other people experiencing physical crisis, of all ages and walks of life. It is all a part of living in this world that has so much influence from evil. Pain and suffering does seem to be a normal part of human experience. Each of us somehow hopes it won’t happen to us.

DEATH

I had never seen anyone die before. Watching Ruth take her last breath was shocking. All I could think about was that she actually died! She was gone. My heart immediately began to hurt in ways I had never experienced before. Grief encompassed me, suffocating me.

My first response to God was again based on my relationship with Him up to that time. I called out to Him as a friend for help with my hurt. I did not lash out at Him as a distant tyrant in the sky who “did this to me.” He had helped me learn how to handle so many things in my life so far, I knew He would help me with this grief. And He did.

I would go to the Bible for words of assurance and comfort in times of hurt. Over the years, since I received so many encouraging messages from God’s Word, I knew I could count on my Friend to have words of comfort and purpose as well. I was not disappointed. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulations, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God” (2 Corinthians 1.3,4).

Ruth’s cancer and death were not a result of her sin, but a “normal” result of living in a world that is affected by the influence of sin. Just because we had a relationship with God on a spiritual level did not exempt us from the regular operation of nature and genetics. God simply has promised to help us through experiences in life. We trusted Him for a bigger picture.

BIGGER PICTURE

We remembered the account in the Bible where Jesus was asked who had sinned, causing a man to be blind from birth. He replied, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him” (John 9.3). Jesus went on to heal that man that day.

Ruth’s death was not a defeat. She actually won. You see, she had the privilege of going to heaven into the very presence of God without the hassle of living here in a world influenced by evil for the next forty or so years. Even though I was left with the hole in my soul grieving, I had the privilege of seeing God use my loss to show others how He comforts in uncommon ways. A bigger purpose was realized. Many people have been helped in their journey through life in this evil world because of our story.

I remember one such example of this. A local pastor stopped me in a public elevator. He said, “I hope you didn’t mind me using you as an illustration in my sermon on Sunday.” I looked surprised but indicated that I was sure it was okay. He went on to explain. “I read your recent letter about your wife’s illness. I liked your perspective. My point to the congregation was to show how a follower of Jesus should handle pain and suffering based on a relationship with Christ. You have shown us how it’s done.” I was humbled.

NEW BEGINNING

Judith and I shared the same Biblical worldview. During our courtship time we spent hours reviewing our common experiences of going through the process of suffering and the death of our spouses. We both had learned how to deal with pain and death from God’s Word and our personal relationship with Jesus. We were on the same page.

Having a common worldview and relationship with Jesus was paramount in the development of our unity in dealing with the challenges of life we faced together in the twenty years that followed. Blending and finishing raising eight teenagers did indeed have challenges. Many times we had no place to turn to other than each other and God when times got tough.

Judith’s physical concerns during the last five years of her life left many questions in our minds, but none of them shook our trust in God’s leading and care. God had been so consistent in giving inner peace and direction to us in so many areas over the years, that we had no reason to question Him now. We were faithful to walk in the truth we came across whether it had to do with nutrition or spiritual dependency on God.

DEATH AGAIN

That day in the hospital when I told Judith she was going to die soon is etched in my memory. We held each other and sobbed deeply for a long time. We mourned her death together for several days. Our assurance of God’s leading, care and closeness did not eliminate our pain of impending loss. But it did provide a basis for how we faced the months ahead.

The weeks before Judith’s death provided many opportunities to talk to family and friends about her “home going” and how God factors in. Anyone talking to her during those weeks needed to be comfortable with the topic of life after death because she talked about it freely. Many people were helped with their viewpoint on Christians going to heaven and how to view that event by Judith’s conversations. I found a statement in Judith’s notes that reflected her attitude. “God can get just as much glory from a sick body as He can from a well one.”

Relief, instead of shock, crossed my mind at Judith’s death. She had suffered with a lot of pain at the end – and now her pain was over. But then an overwhelming grief hit me, producing uncontrollable sobbing. I hurt.

PRAYER

Prayer can play a huge part in the grieving process. Telling the bereaved that you are praying for them can be of great comfort. It was for me. My heart ached so bad at times that I found even praying difficult if not impossible. Comfort crept in as I remembered all the people who I knew were praying for me. God gave me added assurance that not only were these people praying for me, but they were praying on my behalf or literally in my place. This news increased my peace and freedom to embrace grief fully.

LONELINESS

Following Ruth’s death I still had four kids at home to care for and I was still teaching at the college. My struggle with loneliness had to take a back seat many days, oftentimes showing up at night. However, after Judith’s memorial service I went home to an empty bed and an empty house. The phone stopped ringing because everyone knew she was gone. Visitors to the door dwindled to maybe a couple a week. I found myself wandering around the house only to find another empty room. The loneliness and silence was deafening. I had never experienced such aloneness before in my life.

Per my personal practice, I turned to God and His Word for some help and guidance. I begged God to show me how to cope with the stifling void.

His answer came to me from the Gospel of John in the Bible which I had also read following Ruth’s death. This record reveals points about the last weeks of Jesus’ time and teaching on earth before He went back to His Father in heaven. I began to see a pattern in the things He said to the Apostles. “Little children, I shall be with you a little longer” (13:33). “Where I am going you cannot follow Me now, but you shall follow Me afterward” (13:36). “I go to prepare a place for you” (14:2). “These things I have spoken to you while being present with you” (14:25). “But now I go away to Him who sent Me…” (16:5). Jesus was talking about His departure to heaven and leaving the disciples alone on earth. Everything He said in between these statements was instructions on how to deal with the loneliness.

LONELINESS INTO GODLINESS

I found a series of guidelines from Jesus Himself concerning things I could do to deal with and even take advantage of my loneliness. I noticed that Jesus did not instruct to simply sit around and “suck it up.” He proceeded with guidelines and commands that increased my relationship with God and literally helped me be more like Him.

His directives in the Gospel of John were basic but clear:

  1. Depend on one another (13:34)
  2. Stick with your core beliefs (14:1)
  3. Remember what you know about heaven (14:2)
  4. Don’t forget about My return (14:3)
  5. I am the Way to true life (14:4-6) Remember My words (14:10-12)
  6. You can have success (14:12)
  7. Pray (14:13-14)
  8. Obey My commands (14:15,21,23)
  9. The Holy Spirit will help you (14:16-18)
  10. Loneliness can help you (14:19,26)
  11. Embrace My peace (14:27)
  12. Give God glory (14:13; 16:14; 17:1,4)
  13. Keep close to Me (15:1-8)

Each of these items was significant to me. Some helped my thinking clear up. Others eased the torment of my emotions. I would need to write a chapter per item to explain all of them clearly. That will be left to be covered in another book and another time.

To illustrate, however, I will review number three: heaven. Jesus talked about it as if it was a real place He was going to and promised I could be there too someday. That reality reduced some of my fear of the unknown about where my loved ones were after death. It also gave me peace about my future since my death, someday, was as sure as their death. My mental worries about the “after-life” relaxed and my emotional concerns regarding my loved ones were soothed. Hence, my grief was processed more calmly.

YOU

To put my conclusion very bluntly, I know my worldview works because of my lifetime of experience based on God and His Word. It is with great confidence I can offer this information to you.   

The fact that you have read all this till now indicates an interest on your part in the message I am communicating. I sincerely hope and pray that something I have said here can be a help to you. Also, if you do not currently have the right relationship with God I have referred to above, I would like to invite you to begin that now. “For God so loved the world [you] that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever [you] believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world though Him might be saved” (John 3:16,17).

« Point to Ponder »

When you stand before God at your death and He asks you, “Why should I let you into My heaven?” what will be your answer?

Grieving is not

 

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